Becoming a mother has been the most humbling thing I’ve ever done. The journey of uncertainty is terrifying, and even if you think you’re ready for it, you’re probably not. I spent 5 years of my life working professionally with children and their families, as well as studying it for my undergrad. Yet, I still found myself overwhelmed and unconfident in my abilities to care for my own child. Why? Postpartum Depression.
The day after I birthed my daughter, I felt indestructible. Empowered. I had successfully carried my daughter ~9 months, stayed healthy, and gave birth on a beautiful Thursday afternoon. My heart was filled with joy, because all I could ever ask for is a healthy baby. Nathaniel and I both sobbed. Our hearts were so full. I kept raving to Nathaniel about how good I felt and how happy I was.. and then the feeling wore off.
I remember sitting in the hospital bed feeling an overwhelming amount of anxiety. Like time was stopped, but the world around me continued. It was such an odd feeling. I thought it was because I was stuck in a hospital room, and I had never stayed overnight at a hospital. So, I kept telling myself that once we made it back home, everything would be okay.
However, the day we were allowed to return home from the hospital, I didn’t get the relief I thought I would. Instead, leaving the hospital felt scary. After we buckled her into her car seat, the only thing I could think of was, Lord, let us get home safely. Even after returning home, everything just felt different. Looking back, maybe it was being sleep deprived that made me feel foreign in my own home. It felt odd, again. We got home early and there was still so much time in the day left, but all I wanted to do was sleep. I remember Nathaniel put me and Kat into our bed and put us to take a nap. I wanted him to nap with us because I knew he was just as tired as me. But, I also knew that once we got home he was in work mode to care for the both of us.
I recall telling myself I would just take a nap and then I’d wake up feeling better. However, when I woke up, that “feeling” was still there. I was stuck in bed, not really walking anywhere unless it was to the bathroom. Additionally, it began getting darker because of daylight savings. Then when the sun would go down, I’d feel this intense anxiety creep into my mind. Nothing was done, the feeling wasn’t gone, it still felt odd.
When in reality, I’d been keeping a newborn baby alive, and that was the most important thing. For a few days this went on and the same thing happened routinely. I stayed in bed all day, nothing got done, nothing felt right. I so desperately wanted things to feel “normal” again, but I couldn’t shake the unusually odd feeling. All I knew was that this little darling baby in front of me made me so happy. Her sweet face brought tears to my eyes.
Briannatan11 