Eventually, I moved to the couch. At this point, we had already been home for a few days and the sleep deprivation was setting in. Nathaniel suggested that it wasn’t doing me any good laying in bed all day. So again, I told myself, it was JUST the bed. I must’ve been feeling that way because i’d been laying in bed everyday. So, I moved to the couch and again, every day it felt like the same thing. I would sit on the couch with her laying on my chest. I wouldn’t move unless I was getting up washing pump parts. Then in the evening, I would go back to bed and then the next morning, back to couch. For weeks, I couldn’t get myself out of that routine.
It’s an unreal feeling, and I don’t quite know how to explain it. I felt so unexplainably “at peace” with life when holding my tiny beautiful healthy babygirl. However, I also felt so unmotivated and useless. I doubted every single thing I did. I didn’t feel adequate enough. I questioned why the joy wasn’t outweighing those negative feelings. Why? Why do I feel like shit when I have everything I’ve ever wanted? All I wanted was for these feelings to go away. So far away that I could completely enjoy the precious baby in front of me. And yet, I couldn’t shake the feelings.
Of course, Nathaniel noticed it immediately. Actually, can I just take a minute to thank God for him, because it brings me to tears just thinking about how much I appreciate him. I seriously can’t even begin to explain how extremely grateful I am, and was to have him by my side. He was my rock EVERY step of the way. He watched over the both of us day in and day out and I know it was exhausting but he did it anyway. Babe, I know you’re reading this and I love you so much.
When Nathaniel asked me how I felt, all I could do was break down. Because what I wanted to tell him was I felt happy. I wanted to tell him, I’m so happy to be home with the two of you. I didn’t want to say out loud that I was struggling really hard. I didn’t want to say out loud that there was a million different things going on in my head. It was only our first week at home and I already felt like I wasn’t cut out for this. What if I’m not meant to do this? What if I am not good enough to be a mom? The intrusive thoughts came on hard and very early. It took me a while to realize how bad it was getting. I’ve always been really hard on myself, so I thought it was just my normal daily negative thoughts. But I remember Nathaniel telling me, “The only way this is going to work is if you tell me how you feel. Say it out loud. Don’t let it sit in your head. I’m here for you so let me be”. Even though I believed him and I’ve always talked to him about anything and everything, I still felt like I had to fight myself to talk. It’s like the voice inside of me was holding back my tongue and I felt like I had to literally fight back my mind in order to say how I was feeling.
Some days it even felt like a movie scene where you have the angel and a devil on each of your shoulders. My angel would spend the day admiring the baby constantly and be present in the feeling of holding her warm little body against mine. The little devil on the other hand, spent the day being loud and obnoxious, convincing me that I wasn’t sufficent. I couldn’t be the mom she needed, and she’d definitely deserve someone better than me. Some days, just to find my own peace, I’d simply just focused on her little face all day. If I just sat there with her and focused on her, sometimes I felt like I could drown everything else out. Nothing else mattered but her. (Well except for the Gilmore Girls that I’d always have playing.)
She was strong enough to push those thoughts away. She is perfect.
It took over my life for a while and it didn’t feel possible to beat. I felt lost. I felt weak. I felt unworthy. The biggest frustration (and disappointment) for me was that during one of the most important phases in my life, I was struggling so hard. Even though I was there, I wasn’t present. I felt robbed. Robbed of the uninturupted joy that I was suppose to have. Robbed of precious time with her. Robbed of the good/cheerful mom that everyone said I was going to be was not happening. Everyone was so sure, yet I couldn’t be that for her and I wanted to so badly. I felt like I failed. I just wanted to be okay for her. I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy my time with her at all, because everyday I soaked up as much as I could. I soaked up her little hands and fingers. I soaked up her perfect little feet and toe beans. I soaked up all of the baby snuggles. I soaked up how adorable she looked in every little outfit. I soaked it all in. Day in and day out, I spent every waking moment with her.
I remember holding her in my arms and thinking I never want her to feel the way I felt. I didn’t want her to be anything like me. I wanted her be strong and brave and never let the world stop her. And so we did affirmations. Everyday, since she was 2 days old we have said the same affirmations together. Everyday. Religiously. I want her to grow up and truly believe in those words. Believe in herself. I want her to be everything I couldn’t be, and then more. I feel the energy from her soul and it could change the world. Most days I don’t feel worthy of her. I don’t want to ruin her beautiful mind, full of ambition. So I decided to wage a war against my demons. I have to beat the things that eat away at me and I have to start where they’ve began. She is my reason, and that’s why I’ll never stop trying to get better. I’ll keep growing and show her that we can do all things, big or small.
Briannatan11 