The weeks I stayed on the couch, Nathaniel handled everything. I kept beating myself up because the house was a mess and I couldn’t clean it. I kept trying to get myself to get up and I couldn’t. He was so freaking understanding and everyday he told me, all you need to do is be with her. All I knew was that I loved her more than anything. She was my joy, even when I wasn’t feeling so joyful with myself. She kept me alive when I felt the worst I’ve ever felt.
January came and she turned a month old! I felt myself getting a little better and I could finally get up and play with her. It’s like my body was finally thawing from being frozen for a month. We would lay on the floor in her nursery and just enjoy each other. I even did laundry and dishes too! It was like a breathe of fresh air and I wanted to keep going. I started researching some therapists in the area and I thought things were finally going to make a change.
Then, we got Covid. I felt myself freeze again. That following week was the hardest week ever. When I thought I was finally getting better it all came crashing down again. I was worried for her health. And again, I lay on the couch with her and I felt dead again. The voice in my head was loud. I called her doctors office panicking and they said to just monitor her. The anticipation ate away at me. Everyday I questioned if she could handle it.
Long story short, she handled covid effortlessly. It didn’t even affect her in the slightest. However, in the midst of it all, it didn’t feel possible that she’d be okay. She was a newborn and her immune system barely had time to develop. It was hard. I cried every night and I couldn’t sleep. I would stay up late at night just staring at her to make sure she was breathing. I couldn’t even ask Nathaniel to roll over and hug me and tell me it was going to be okay. Even though he was just in the next room, I felt alone again. I was so mad at the world.
I think the biggest advice I could offer you is to talk to someone. Let it out!! Because that anger, and rage, and negativity will destroy you if you keep it bottled up. I had so many emotions built up inside me. It destroyed me silently.
It wasn’t until June, when she was 6 months, that I finally starting seeing a therapist and I wish I could have done it sooner. I wish we didn’t get Covid. I wish things postpartum happened differently for me, but we’re here. We are alive. We are both healthy, and I finally got the help I needed. Therapy took a lot of weight off my shoulders. If you have the resources to do so, I am 100% an advocate for therapy! Please, if you are on the fence about getting help, do it!! I can’t guarantee it won’t be hard, because you’re going to face a lot of challenges. I can however promise that it will all be worth it. Feeling yourself heal wounds is so relieving.
Briannatan11 